Why God? Why?

I am going through a really hard time lately. I recently faced a medical emergency, in which I felt hopeless, helpless, and scared. And lying there on the ground I thought to myself, "what if I die, I don't want to die, please God let me stay here with my babies." I have been in scary situations before, but never did I actually really believe I could die like I felt in those moments lying on my bathroom floor. I don't know why God is allowing me to face such fears, challenges, and current struggles with my health. But I am here in the middle of a struggle which I don't understand.

I heard a sermon a couple weeks ago where the pastor talked about what takes place during the birth of a giraffe. This part of the sermon was so intriguing to me it has been on my mind a lot. When a mama giraffe gives birth she does so standing up. So the baby giraffe comes into the world falling pretty hard onto the ground. Then the mama giraffe welcomes her baby giraffe into the world by giving him a good kick. The baby giraffe is surprised by this of course. But the mama giraffe continues to kick her baby over and over. Finally the baby giraffe will try to stand up and stumbling he does get to his feet with his wobbly legs. Once he is standing, the mama giraffe winds up and kicks her baby off of his feet and he stumbles to the ground. Where once again he tries to stand up quickly. The mama giraffe does this to teach her baby to stand up. In the wild for survival a baby giraffe needs to know how to quickly get to his feet. So even though it seems cruel, the mama giraffe is doing this to her baby because she loves her baby and wants him to survive. The pastor went on to explain how God is like that mama giraffe and we are the baby giraffe. Like the baby giraffe, we don't know why we are enduring this pain. But there is a bigger picture.

Psalm 13 New International Version (NIV)

Psalm 13^[a]

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

¹ How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

³ Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me.

gone

did you even have a chance
you were a glimpse of hope
i believed you would stay
my heart overflowed with joy
thinking of holding you in my arms

red, the constant reminder
you are gone
gone
did my ambitions cause too
much stress

my heart breaks
is my body broken too
will you be in Heaven with
baby three
were you ever really there

tests confirm your beginning
you didn't stay
my body couldn't hold you
was it stress from that argument
why God did you take this one too

goodbye my sweet pea
i will always love you

For Maggie

You were the spark in the dark
You brought so much joy into my life
Always near by, always close
by my side

If I could go back
I would take you on more walks
through the trees at the creek
breathe in the fresh air with you
side by side

My sweet puppy
thank you for being my best friend
greeting me at the door
always wagging your tail
so full of love

I miss your soft floppy ears
tapping of your nails on the floor
opening the door to let you in
your hugs, your presence
I miss you my friend

In loving Memory of my girl Maggie.
January 25, 2005 - September 20, 2014

Imperfect

my nail polish is chipping
toothpaste tube isn't rolled
fingerprint marks are all over the
sliding door
and I can't seem to keep the car
windows clean either

Uh, don't look in that drawer...or
closet either
the kids are in need of new pants
that fit for the fall

going on three years of working
on my first scrapbook for
my daughter
I don't smile a lot
sometimes I avoid interacting
with others

And coffee- I like it way too much
did I mention I need to vacuum

My 2 cents for what it's worth

I probably shouldn't be writing right now because I have a lot of studying to be done! Oh well, it feels nice to take a break and write my thoughts. I have been having a battle with forgiveness lately. Basically, I'm holding grudges, bitterness, and anger towards people in my past. And as I sit here thinking about that, I know that my feelings have absolutely no impact on these people whatsoever. However, holding onto all this unforgiveness only hurts me. 
The people of my past aren't affected by my present feelings and emotions of what they did to me. They likely don't even bat an eye at the thought of me or even think of me at all. And yet, these memories cause me to at times get swept up in disappointment, hurt, sadness, etc. So I sit and wonder, how do we truly forgive? How does the parent who lost her child to a drunk driver crash forgive? I see people who have been through awful tragedies like that and it truly amazes me the heart they have to be able to forgive.
I yearn to forgive and fully move on.  However, even if I do finally fully forgive, I know these memories are still apart of me. And the memories will still cause the hard feelings that I have to deal with. Which ultimately leads me to knowing I need God. I can't do it on my own, but God can. I have to give it to God, He knows what happened in my past, He knows who hurt me, He knows. Ultimately God takes care of everything. Do I know why God allowed these things in my past to occur? No, I have no idea at all. But, I do believe He is a Just God. And I do believe He is at work in my life. So I walk my faith walk, saying "God, help me to forgive because I struggle with doing it on my own. I trust you God."


Luke 23:32-34
³² Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. ³³ When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. ³⁴ Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”^[b] And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.

Stuck in the Past

I was watching a show a couple days ago that really reminded me of my past career. Usually t.v. shows don't portray the work I was in very accurately, so I don't like to watch them. However, this show did such a good job that it brought me right back to where I used to work and brought back a lot of memories. And I began revisiting pains of the past; some regrets, a little anger, disappointments, and just old wounds. I watched probably about three episodes over a couple days, before I realized this show was putting me in a bad mood. So I started thinking about why I was feeling this way and I realized it probably isn't a good idea for me to watch this show anymore.

Now the show itself isn't much of a positive show anyways and I wouldn't recommend anyone watch it for "good" recreational television. But, the show itself isn't exactly the culprit. Watching it, made me realize I tend to get stuck in the past. The last couple days I have felt like I am dragging negativity with me because the show rekindled some negative memories for me. Years ago I struggled with my past. I couldn't move on with my life because I truly was stuck in the past. I thought I moved on from that problem, but I clearly still struggle with it. I am thankful I am not where I used to be, I used to not even live in my present. I missed out on many years of enjoying my children when they were babies/toddlers because of that very issue.

I heard a song this morning while dropping the kids  off at school. The lyrics say, "You make me new." The lyrics talk about being a new creation in Jesus Christ. In essence, God is making us new. In that moment listening to the song, I thought to myself: "God isn't making me new. Because look how I get stuck in my past. I am bitter and I haven't forgiven those people." Which brings me to where I am at right now. I am simply a work in progress. I want to say I am new, but I am not new yet. And I likely won't be new until I am in heaven "fully new" and fully in God's presence. The show brought me to memories where I have been hurt, and ultimately I haven't forgiven many of those people who have hurt me. As a Christian, we are called to forgive. I wish I could say I am quick to forgive, but I am not. I guess it is a hindrance in my faith walk.

Well, time to get back on track and focus on my new goals. Leaving my past in the past, helps me move forward. I am moving forward because I learned from my past, I am thankful for that.

Thoughts, thoughts...at times, my worst enemy

I'm embarking on a new journey; a new direction for my life. As I face these new challenges with hours upon hours of studying, I find myself wavering....and thinking "is this the right path for me?" Of course I want my choices to be in line with God's Will for my life, I always have. And though, I have been the type of person that always seeks His Will for me, I honestly don't really know if I have ever been on the path He truly wants me to be on. Well, then come the thoughts, and those really make things a bit more frustrating. I started this new journey with joy, because I truly want to teach. I actually really love doing it, and now as I endure the struggle of studying,  thoughts creep in such as, "maybe you are making the wrong choice," and "how are you going to pass this," or "what if you can't pass this."  And even more discouraging are when the regrets start with thoughts such as, "you shouldn't have left your career."  Little after little, those are the thoughts that can trip you up and keep you from moving forward. I have discovered, that those thoughts can really be my worst enemy. 
When I reflect on the past me, and the person I used to be with past decisions I made, I see those enemy thoughts were right there too. Unfortunately I have always been a person that tends to lean towards anxiety and worry when facing hardships/decisions/stressful events. I see now that some of that is biological and some of it is unhealthy patterns. Oh and of course not to forget, I'm sure the devil enjoys seeing us fall and make bad decisions that hinder us from being the people God wants us to be.
So I have come to understand that those thoughts don't define me. They are only thoughts. But when I allow them to keep filling my mind and tell myself they are true then they do start defining me. Because then I simply make choices that will either be positive or negative. It is so easy to get off course. I have done it so many times in my past. I realize my thoughts aren't always pleasing and good for me. For me, the only times I truly have peace with the world is when I focus on God and His Word. There are so many unknowns in life that Trusting God has been where I find Peace. I don't say that lightly believe me, I have friend's that would tell you-Trusting God- has been a huge struggle of mine in my faith walk. I am not all the way there yet, but I have grown so much in the past year. 
At the end of the day what does worry or regrets really do for you? I can tell you for me, all it ever does is hold me back from moving forward. And usually if I listen to those enemy thoughts, one or two or a combo of the following occur: stress, discouragement, negativity, anxiety, and depression. Thinking about what you are thinking about is important. Some good scripture to ponder on:
Philipians 4:8 Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.

You Speak

I see my reflection and it is double;
You standing with me
You Speak

I study the word revise and
think of how you are fine tuning me
You Speak

My boy makes a silly face
and in his laughter I get lost
in my love for him
You Speak

Auntie sends me a devotion just in
the right moment
You Speak

Listening to Mozart
I feel your peace
You speak

My husband says,
Don't give up
You Speak

In prayer for my friend
I feel your presence
You Speak

My girl sings with all
her heart
You Speak

The wind brushing against trees,
making the leaves dance
You Speak

A butterfly flutters so briefly across
my path
You Speak

The joy I feel when I teach
You Speak

In his love
You Speak

I let go of bitterness, I forgive
You Speak

God has been showing up for me in such special ways this week. I felt inspired to write a poem about how He Speaks to me. The challenge for me of course, is when I'm not feeling His presence. There are those times that I clearly feel like He isn't there and doesn't care about what happens in my life. But those are just my feelings of despair. God is always with us. And I learned so much this past year about His presence and truly Trusting His ways. As I spend more time centering my heart on God, I see Him speaking to me in the smallest ways. And in these small ways there is a joy that is difficult to explain. All I can think is that I am experiencing a very little piece of His Awesome presence. Which makes me wonder how much more awesome it will be when we are fully with God in Heaven. And as I live out my life day to day: I want to be clothed in His radiant presence, listening to Him, seeking Him, and fully living for Him.

her steps

she is beautiful, her smile
the way she moves
like she is making music with her arms
joy is in her steps

I used to be her
not bitter
not jaded

living moment by moment
carefree

I wish I could protect her
If I could take her future pain I would
If I could keep her from falling I would
my little girl, so full of love

Life surrounds her
time moves, she moves
I have no say

no control
heart ache awaits

the beginning of a lifetime of choices
only God knows her path

my prayer is for her to always walk
with God
to dream her dreams
follow her heart

Tears of Joy

The other night, I was putting my son to bed. We did our usual routine of brushing the teeth, get a drink of water, talk a little about the day or whatever he wants to talk about. Then prayers. And, I decided to spend a little more time with him, because it was obvious he was needy for my attention. More than anything I want my children to always feel loved and safe. I don't even remember what we were talking about.  There was a lot of laughter and playfulness though.

Then I had one of those moments, where you wish you could "freeze time," and stay there for a while. Looking into my boys eyes as we laughed and cuddled, I got teary eyed. I felt joy, joy that I have been missing out on for too many years. And I thought to myself, "this is what I missed out on." So simple, just being with my kids, loving them, enjoying moments....I missed out on the blessing of those moments for so many years.

Through the years, when my children were babies/toddlers, there were good times and we did have fun. But, I was unhappy, for many different reasons. One thing that constantly stole my joy was regret. I didn't appreciate where I was at, because I was so lonely. I was always contemplating and trying to figure out what direction I should be going with my life. And well, to make the long story short, all that did was steal my joy.

Finally I have learned to enjoy the moments right in front of me. I don't want to ever take for granted these special times God has given me with my children ever again.

Do you struggle with living in the present? My prayer is for new moms to really see what is right in front of them, the blessing of their children, and to fully experience that joy. Because yes, it is true, it goes by so fast. I would love to hear from you.

Today was baby three's due date

Last night while taking a shower, I realized baby three was due tomorrow. It came to me out of the blue. One month ago, I thought about the date getting closer, because I'm planning on making a donation to a cause which helps children in memory of baby three. But for some reason, the date snuck up on me, it is like I forgot about the date temporarily. Maybe because I have been so busy with life in general, or maybe because I'm finally beginning to heal in different ways from the miscarriage.

I had a special moment happen last night and I think it was God's way of showing up for me in music. When it dawned on me that baby three's due date was tomorrow, I began praying. I got out of the shower and was singing quietly a song, the verse, "Lord I need you, Lord I need you"  from the song "Lord I need you," by Matt Maher. At the same time I turned on I-heart-radio on my phone, and the exact same song was on, with the same verse playing at that very moment. It was one of those moments where I felt like God was right there with me.

The next song that played was Broken Hallelujah. This is a song that really speaks to my heart every time I hear it. I feel like I have been that person for some time now, with my "broken hallelujah." Also there is a line in this song which brings me back to the days I feared I was losing baby three. The verse says, "even though I don't know what your plan is, I know you're making beauty from these ashes." During that very hard time of losing baby three, my close friend said, "God will make beauty from the ashes." Earlier in the day, this song also came on Christian radio, and the DJ said, "It is better to go to God on your knees broken, then to not go to Him at all."

The third song that came on was, "Lift my life up" by Unspoken. I've been hearing this song a lot lately. And the verse that stands out to me every time I hear it is, "If I'm under fire, I know it's refining me." There is so much I don't understand about God. I am always learning and growing. I still have a hard time with the "refining process," especially as it relates to my experiences with the loss of baby three. I'm working on trusting God's plan is better than mine.

One thing I am learning is that I need to go to God, especially when I'm broken. I made the mistake last year of being in a battle with pushing God away with my anger. No matter how difficult it is, I really need to learn to go to God on my knees with all my brokenness.

I'm still working through the loss of baby three. The sadness from a miscarriage is different then anything I've experienced. I have days where just seeing a pregnant mom gets me thinking of my pain from the miscarriage. Other times I see an adorable baby and it also brings me back to my sadness from my loss. And today it was waking up knowing baby three isn't here with me on the due date, February 2. The "why" still hurts and still confuses me. I don't know why the only part of baby three I got to experience was seeing the tiny heart beat fluttering. 

In memory of baby three- I love you and will always miss you.

Have you felt God's presence in some way lately? Any thoughts would be appreciated. It is nice to not feel alone with the challenges and trials we face. I know a miscarriage is more of a sensitive subject, so if you would like to talk about your experiences or have questions and don't want to write on the blog, you can email me.

My New Year Motto- This Will be My Year for Healing


"It is a new year! Want to reset your life? Set new Goals? Create a better you?"
I just read the above quote on the KLOVE website as I was signing up for the -Listen to Christian music for 30 days challenge. And more than anything, every part of who I am, needs a year of healing. Of course I am not sure if it will take one year or more to figure things out and "heal," but I feel like making a commitment to one year is at least a beginning to the direction I need to go.

So the other day I kept hearing about this 30 day challenge and I decided I am going to do it. I have heard about this many times in previous years, and I just never tried it out. I listen to a lot of Christian music already anyways, but I find that when a song comes on that I don't particularly like or it gives me a headache, I tend to change the channel to anything else which sounds good to me. Now I am going to just turn the radio off, instead of channel surf. That way I honor the 30 day challenge of only listening to Christian music. 

As I have been thinking about the different aspects of the healing process, I figured why not do this challenge too. There has been so many times that God has showed up for me in little songs that come on the radio. I figure this 30 day music commitment could be a good beginning to set the pace for me for this year.

I have a friend who told me as I was going through trials last year--for you to be healthy- your body, mind and spirit need to be all balanced and operating healthy individually. Therefore when each is working correctly and healthy, all of "who you are" is in essence healthy. So if one isn't healthy it affects the other two and vice versa.

If you read my previous blog entry you will see that I mentioned last year being a very difficult year for me. I can honestly say now looking back, that my mind, body and spirit all were unhealthy through the entire year. To give you an idea of what I am talking about, I was severely anemic to start the year off and I didn't know how bad it was until April. I was completely run down. Right before the anemia discovery, I was having hard times emotionally as my kids faced a horrible sick winter. To sum it up, both kids were taken to the ER during the roughest sicknesses. My daughter got bad with pneumonia at one time. And my son got hospitalized with a "mystery" sickness. They weren't sure exactly what was causing the pain. It was up in the air whether it was his appendix which needed removal. Anyhow, those were the worst of their sicknesses, but really they were sick all winter. We only had probably one to two breaks from them being sick, which lasted for 2 weeks each. So my mind wasn't operating in a healthy manner because I was filled with worry and stressed. The hardships continued into spring and summer but that is too much to get into now.

Anyways as I faced these emotional and physical trying times, my spiritual life began to struggle too. I was so exhausted from circumstances that I wasn't spending time with God. And it didn't help that I also was upset with God for allowing these things to happen in my life. There were no breaks to the rough situations which rolled into my life one after another.

Which is why now that 2013 is over, I am ready for a year of healing. I have decided to commit myself to doing more for each of these areas- mind, body and spirit. This is what I have to start with:
1- Christian Music 30 day challenge
2- Get myself to the gym at least 3 times a week
3- Make it a priority to spend time with God everyday

These things sound so simple as I write them, but I know that when the daily life events occur with caring for my kids, it is  much harder to stick to commitments. Relaxing on the couch and watching a show after a busy day with the kids is so tempting at times. But I know that I will have to give up some of my down time to make my best effort to stick to working on these goals. Anyhow, I realized I really wrote a lot this time, and believe it or not, I still have more to say about this topic. To be continued. 

Have you set any goals this year? Do you see any areas in your life which is out of balance? Do you have any advice on how to stay motivated and committed to keeping goals? I would love to hear from you.

In His Peace, In His Presence...

 
I've been having some rough times in my life lately. Last year was a very stressful year. I can honestly say it was one of my worst years ever so far in my life, besides the year my Grandma died. Without going into great detail, I had 3 traumatic events occur. Actually 4, if I also count the stress of my marriage problems which almost lead to divorce two times.

I had huge hope that with 2013 finally coming to an end, my life would get better just because it was a whole new year. 2013 seriously became what I called FRIDAY the 2013th. So 2014 looked so promising. As if just getting out of 2013 would be life changing. My terrible year was coming to an end and 2014 offered a chance for "new beginnings."

It is funny because I never even really put much thought into the new year as being so amazing and awe inspiring just because its a brand "new year." I set it up in my head months ago that "things will be different next year." I began to build up Hope that the new year will be different. Which is why we took a Disneyland trip for the new year. We weren't able to take a regular vacation last year because of the stresses through the year. So Disney seemed perfect, the much needed get-away. Well my expectations led me to a huge let-down. To sum it up, Disney wasn't exactly the "happiest place on earth," like I yearned for it to be. My husband and I got in numerous arguments and fought so bad it actually brought us back to the dreadful divorce discussion. And it didn't help that it was so crowded there, you could barely get around the park. Well, you get the idea, it wasn't a very relaxing joyful vacation.

Anyhow, my terrible year and stressful beginning to 2014 led into these anger feelings toward God. I tumbled into a spiral of negativity and have been so angry with God. And I'm not proud to admit, it was a struggle of mine off and on last year through the bad times. I would get caught up in confusion and wonder "why God? Why are you letting these bad things happen in my life?" I've been where the pain hurts so much it is crippling. Your life tends to completely stop, while everything around you keeps going. I've felt like the walking dead at times.

And though the struggles are difficult and confusing. I somehow muster up the little Hope I have to keep my focus on "God has to be holding it all together." I slowly get myself back to praying and asking for forgiveness for my anger and attitude. And God continues to show up in my life. When I get these little God moments where His peace and presence surround me, there is an unexplainable joy. Sometimes it is in a song, that comes on the radio just at the right time on the Christian music station. Sometimes it is in the sun shining through the clouds in the morning while I drive my kids to school. The sky is just breath-taking. Through these moments, I have to believe, God is letting me know He is still there with me.

I realize all my anger does is shut God out and pull me into more stress/sadness/depression. I'm grateful that God hasn't given up on me and His Love is greater than anything we face with the trials and hardships of life.
 
But man oh man is it hard to stop thinking negatively when I am in the hard times. It is such a challenge to go to God and ask Him for his help and forgiveness when I am so angry.

What faith struggles do you experience when stress and hardships enter your life? How do you deal with these struggles in your faith? How does God show His presence in your life? I would love to hear from you.