Sunday, September 21, 2014

For Maggie

You were the spark in the dark
You brought so much joy into my life
Always near by, always close
by my side

If I could go back
I would take you on more walks
through the trees at the creek
breathe in the fresh air with you
side by side

My sweet puppy
thank you for being my best friend
greeting me at the door
always wagging your tail
so full of love

I miss your soft floppy ears
tapping of your nails on the floor
opening the door to let you in
your hugs, your presence
I miss you my friend

In loving Memory of my girl Maggie.
January 25, 2005 - September 20, 2014

Wednesday, September 17, 2014


my nail polish is chipping
toothpaste tube isn't rolled
fingerprint marks are all over the
sliding door
and I can't seem to keep the car
windows clean either

Uh, don't look in that drawer...or
closet either
the kids are in need of new pants
that fit for the fall

going on three years of working
on my first scrapbook for
my daughter
I don't smile a lot
sometimes I avoid interacting
with others

And coffee- I like it way too much
did I mention I need to vacuum

Monday, September 15, 2014

My 2 cents for what it's worth

I probably shouldn't be writing right now because I have a lot of studying to be done! Oh well, it feels nice to take a break and write my thoughts. I have been having a battle with forgiveness lately. Basically, I'm holding grudges, bitterness, and anger towards people in my past. And as I sit here thinking about that, I know that my feelings have absolutely no impact on these people whatsoever. However, holding onto all this unforgiveness only hurts me. 
The people of my past aren't affected by my present feelings and emotions of what they did to me. They likely don't even bat an eye at the thought of me or even think of me at all. And yet, these memories cause me to at times get swept up in disappointment, hurt, sadness, etc. So I sit and wonder, how do we truly forgive? How does the parent who lost her child to a drunk driver crash forgive? I see people who have been through awful tragedies like that and it truly amazes me the heart they have to be able to forgive.
I yearn to forgive and fully move on.  However, even if I do finally fully forgive, I know these memories are still apart of me. And the memories will still cause the hard feelings that I have to deal with. Which ultimately leads me to knowing I need God. I can't do it on my own, but God can. I have to give it to God, He knows what happened in my past, He knows who hurt me, He knows. Ultimately God takes care of everything. Do I know why God allowed these things in my past to occur? No, I have no idea at all. But, I do believe He is a Just God. And I do believe He is at work in my life. So I walk my faith walk, saying "God, help me to forgive because I struggle with doing it on my own. I trust you God."

Luke 23:32-34
32 Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. 33 When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. 34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”[b] And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Stuck in the Past

I was watching a show a couple days ago that really reminded me of my past career. Usually t.v. shows don't portray the work I was in very accurately, so I don't like to watch them. However, this show did such a good job that it brought me right back to where I used to work and brought back a lot of memories. And I began revisiting pains of the past; some regrets, a little anger, disappointments, and just old wounds. I watched probably about three episodes over a couple days, before I realized this show was putting me in a bad mood. So I started thinking about why I was feeling this way and I realized it probably isn't a good idea for me to watch this show anymore.

Now the show itself isn't much of a positive show anyways and I wouldn't recommend anyone watch it for "good" recreational television. But, the show itself isn't exactly the culprit. Watching it, made me realize I tend to get stuck in the past. The last couple days I have felt like I am dragging negativity with me because the show rekindled some negative memories for me. Years ago I struggled with my past. I couldn't move on with my life because I truly was stuck in the past. I thought I moved on from that problem, but I clearly still struggle with it. I am thankful I am not where I used to be, I used to not even live in my present. I missed out on many years of enjoying my children when they were babies/toddlers because of that very issue.

I heard a song this morning while dropping the kids  off at school. The lyrics say, "You make me new." The lyrics talk about being a new creation in Jesus Christ. In essence, God is making us new. In that moment listening to the song, I thought to myself: "God isn't making me new. Because look how I get stuck in my past. I am bitter and I haven't forgiven those people." Which brings me to where I am at right now. I am simply a work in progress. I want to say I am new, but I am not new yet. And I likely won't be new until I am in heaven "fully new" and fully in God's presence. The show brought me to memories where I have been hurt, and ultimately I haven't forgiven many of those people who have hurt me. As a Christian, we are called to forgive. I wish I could say I am quick to forgive, but I am not. I guess it is a hindrance in my faith walk.

Well, time to get back on track and focus on my new goals. Leaving my past in the past, helps me move forward. I am moving forward because I learned from my past, I am thankful for that.