Monday, February 2, 2015

Deja vu

Last night was difficult. At about 1:30am (yes, I was up late), the date dawned on me. Today my baby three would be one years old if my body didn't miscarry him/her. Right when I realized the date, I also realized this same thing happened last year with baby three's due date sneeking up on me. And of course the post traumatic stress disorder hit me as I grieved once again the loss of my sweet baby that I loved and still love so much. And I hope with all my heart that I will one day get to meet baby three in Heaven. I can only imagine what that will be like to finally hold both baby three and baby four (baby four would be 16weeks into my pregnancy right now if I didn't lose him/her). I realize last night my grief for the loss of baby three is just as difficult still as my most recent loss with baby four. And I really don't know who my readers are (except for a couple friends of mine). but if you are reading this please don't take time for granted with your loved ones. I don't know if time feels like it is changing for me because I am getting older now. But for some reason it feels like the years are getting faster and faster. I guess the good thing about that is one day I will be in Heaven with all my family/friends and my sweet babies I never got to see on this side of Heaven. I'm hopeful for that. I've been focusing on the following scripture lately:

Proverbs 3:5-7New English Translation (NET Bible)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not rely on your own understanding.
Acknowledge him in all your ways,
and he will make your paths straight.
The new year is amongst us. It is already February! It is seriously already going fast for me. I have many obstacles in front of me. It is scary, but I am looking forward to this year. I'm hopeful for a better year. I know my heart has been worked on a lot lately, and one thing that definitely has changed is how much more I appreciate all the small blessings around me. During the past several months of hardship, I had a friend say to me, "God is trying to get your attention." And at first I thought well that is odd. But now I get it. I have changed a lot from my miscarriages in different ways. And in a sad, weird, joyful way- I am a better person now from the miscarriages. Of course I wish I could undue both miscarriages, I wish they never happened, I wish my babies were here with me today. But it happened and it changed who I am. And well, God definitely has my attention. Does He have yours?