Today was baby three's due date

Last night while taking a shower, I realized baby three was due tomorrow. It came to me out of the blue. One month ago, I thought about the date getting closer, because I'm planning on making a donation to a cause which helps children in memory of baby three. But for some reason, the date snuck up on me, it is like I forgot about the date temporarily. Maybe because I have been so busy with life in general, or maybe because I'm finally beginning to heal in different ways from the miscarriage.

I had a special moment happen last night and I think it was God's way of showing up for me in music. When it dawned on me that baby three's due date was tomorrow, I began praying. I got out of the shower and was singing quietly a song, the verse, "Lord I need you, Lord I need you"  from the song "Lord I need you," by Matt Maher. At the same time I turned on I-heart-radio on my phone, and the exact same song was on, with the same verse playing at that very moment. It was one of those moments where I felt like God was right there with me.

The next song that played was Broken Hallelujah. This is a song that really speaks to my heart every time I hear it. I feel like I have been that person for some time now, with my "broken hallelujah." Also there is a line in this song which brings me back to the days I feared I was losing baby three. The verse says, "even though I don't know what your plan is, I know you're making beauty from these ashes." During that very hard time of losing baby three, my close friend said, "God will make beauty from the ashes." Earlier in the day, this song also came on Christian radio, and the DJ said, "It is better to go to God on your knees broken, then to not go to Him at all."

The third song that came on was, "Lift my life up" by Unspoken. I've been hearing this song a lot lately. And the verse that stands out to me every time I hear it is, "If I'm under fire, I know it's refining me." There is so much I don't understand about God. I am always learning and growing. I still have a hard time with the "refining process," especially as it relates to my experiences with the loss of baby three. I'm working on trusting God's plan is better than mine.

One thing I am learning is that I need to go to God, especially when I'm broken. I made the mistake last year of being in a battle with pushing God away with my anger. No matter how difficult it is, I really need to learn to go to God on my knees with all my brokenness.

I'm still working through the loss of baby three. The sadness from a miscarriage is different then anything I've experienced. I have days where just seeing a pregnant mom gets me thinking of my pain from the miscarriage. Other times I see an adorable baby and it also brings me back to my sadness from my loss. And today it was waking up knowing baby three isn't here with me on the due date, February 2. The "why" still hurts and still confuses me. I don't know why the only part of baby three I got to experience was seeing the tiny heart beat fluttering. 

In memory of baby three- I love you and will always miss you.

Have you felt God's presence in some way lately? Any thoughts would be appreciated. It is nice to not feel alone with the challenges and trials we face. I know a miscarriage is more of a sensitive subject, so if you would like to talk about your experiences or have questions and don't want to write on the blog, you can email me.