Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Tears of Joy

The other night, I was putting my son to bed. We did our usual routine of brushing the teeth, get a drink of water, talk a little about the day or whatever he wants to talk about. Then prayers. And, I decided to spend a little more time with him, because it was obvious he was needy for my attention. More than anything I want my children to always feel loved and safe. I don't even remember what we were talking about.  There was a lot of laughter and playfulness though.

Then I had one of those moments, where you wish you could "freeze time," and stay there for a while. Looking into my boys eyes as we laughed and cuddled, I got teary eyed. I felt joy, joy that I have been missing out on for too many years. And I thought to myself, "this is what I missed out on." So simple, just being with my kids, loving them, enjoying moments....I missed out on the blessing of those moments for so many years.

Through the years, when my children were babies/toddlers, there were good times and we did have fun. But, I was unhappy, for many different reasons. One thing that constantly stole my joy was regret. I didn't appreciate where I was at, because I was so lonely. I was always contemplating and trying to figure out what direction I should be going with my life. And well, to make the long story short, all that did was steal my joy.

Finally I have learned to enjoy the moments right in front of me. I don't want to ever take for granted these special times God has given me with my children ever again.

Do you struggle with living in the present? My prayer is for new moms to really see what is right in front of them, the blessing of their children, and to fully experience that joy. Because yes, it is true, it goes by so fast. I would love to hear from you.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Today was baby three's due date

Last night while taking a shower, I realized baby three was due tomorrow. It came to me out of the blue. One month ago, I thought about the date getting closer, because I'm planning on making a donation to a cause which helps children in memory of baby three. But for some reason, the date snuck up on me, it is like I forgot about the date temporarily. Maybe because I have been so busy with life in general, or maybe because I'm finally beginning to heal in different ways from the miscarriage.

I had a special moment happen last night and I think it was God's way of showing up for me in music. When it dawned on me that baby three's due date was tomorrow, I began praying. I got out of the shower and was singing quietly a song, the verse, "Lord I need you, Lord I need you"  from the song "Lord I need you," by Matt Maher. At the same time I turned on I-heart-radio on my phone, and the exact same song was on, with the same verse playing at that very moment. It was one of those moments where I felt like God was right there with me.

The next song that played was Broken Hallelujah. This is a song that really speaks to my heart every time I hear it. I feel like I have been that person for some time now, with my "broken hallelujah." Also there is a line in this song which brings me back to the days I feared I was losing baby three. The verse says, "even though I don't know what your plan is, I know you're making beauty from these ashes." During that very hard time of losing baby three, my close friend said, "God will make beauty from the ashes." Earlier in the day, this song also came on Christian radio, and the DJ said, "It is better to go to God on your knees broken, then to not go to Him at all."

The third song that came on was, "Lift my life up" by Unspoken. I've been hearing this song a lot lately. And the verse that stands out to me every time I hear it is, "If I'm under fire, I know it's refining me." There is so much I don't understand about God. I am always learning and growing. I still have a hard time with the "refining process," especially as it relates to my experiences with the loss of baby three. I'm working on trusting God's plan is better than mine.

One thing I am learning is that I need to go to God, especially when I'm broken. I made the mistake last year of being in a battle with pushing God away with my anger. No matter how difficult it is, I really need to learn to go to God on my knees with all my brokenness.

I'm still working through the loss of baby three. The sadness from a miscarriage is different then anything I've experienced. I have days where just seeing a pregnant mom gets me thinking of my pain from the miscarriage. Other times I see an adorable baby and it also brings me back to my sadness from my loss. And today it was waking up knowing baby three isn't here with me on the due date, February 2. The "why" still hurts and still confuses me. I don't know why the only part of baby three I got to experience was seeing the tiny heart beat fluttering. 

In memory of baby three- I love you and will always miss you.

Have you felt God's presence in some way lately? Any thoughts would be appreciated. It is nice to not feel alone with the challenges and trials we face. I know a miscarriage is more of a sensitive subject, so if you would like to talk about your experiences or have questions and don't want to write on the blog, you can email me.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

My New Year Motto- This Will be My Year for Healing

"It is a new year! Want to reset your life? Set new Goals? Create a better you?"
I just read the above quote on the KLOVE website as I was signing up for the -Listen to Christian music for 30 days challenge. And more than anything, every part of who I am, needs a year of healing. Of course I am not sure if it will take one year or more to figure things out and "heal," but I feel like making a commitment to one year is at least a beginning to the direction I need to go.

So the other day I kept hearing about this 30 day challenge and I decided I am going to do it. I have heard about this many times in previous years, and I just never tried it out. I listen to a lot of Christian music already anyways, but I find that when a song comes on that I don't particularly like or it gives me a headache, I tend to change the channel to anything else which sounds good to me. Now I am going to just turn the radio off, instead of channel surf. That way I honor the 30 day challenge of only listening to Christian music. 

As I have been thinking about the different aspects of the healing process, I figured why not do this challenge too. There has been so many times that God has showed up for me in little songs that come on the radio. I figure this 30 day music commitment could be a good beginning to set the pace for me for this year.

I have a friend who told me as I was going through trials last year--for you to be healthy- your body, mind and spirit need to be all balanced and operating healthy individually. Therefore when each is working correctly and healthy, all of "who you are" is in essence healthy. So if one isn't healthy it affects the other two and vice versa.

If you read my previous blog entry you will see that I mentioned last year being a very difficult year for me. I can honestly say now looking back, that my mind, body and spirit all were unhealthy through the entire year. To give you an idea of what I am talking about, I was severely anemic to start the year off and I didn't know how bad it was until April. I was completely run down. Right before the anemia discovery, I was having hard times emotionally as my kids faced a horrible sick winter. To sum it up, both kids were taken to the ER during the roughest sicknesses. My daughter got bad with pneumonia at one time. And my son got hospitalized with a "mystery" sickness. They weren't sure exactly what was causing the pain. It was up in the air whether it was his appendix which needed removal. Anyhow, those were the worst of their sicknesses, but really they were sick all winter. We only had probably one to two breaks from them being sick, which lasted for 2 weeks each. So my mind wasn't operating in a healthy manner because I was filled with worry and stressed. The hardships continued into spring and summer but that is too much to get into now.

Anyways as I faced these emotional and physical trying times, my spiritual life began to struggle too. I was so exhausted from circumstances that I wasn't spending time with God. And it didn't help that I also was upset with God for allowing these things to happen in my life. There were no breaks to the rough situations which rolled into my life one after another.

Which is why now that 2013 is over, I am ready for a year of healing. I have decided to commit myself to doing more for each of these areas- mind, body and spirit. This is what I have to start with:
1- Christian Music 30 day challenge
2- Get myself to the gym at least 3 times a week
3- Make it a priority to spend time with God everyday

These things sound so simple as I write them, but I know that when the daily life events occur with caring for my kids, it is  much harder to stick to commitments. Relaxing on the couch and watching a show after a busy day with the kids is so tempting at times. But I know that I will have to give up some of my down time to make my best effort to stick to working on these goals. Anyhow, I realized I really wrote a lot this time, and believe it or not, I still have more to say about this topic. To be continued. 

Have you set any goals this year? Do you see any areas in your life which is out of balance? Do you have any advice on how to stay motivated and committed to keeping goals? I would love to hear from you.