Purpose in our trials

Well, I probably shouldn't be writing right now because I'm a little bit loopy from a pain pill I just took. But, I felt inspired to talk to my internet world. Maybe I will giggle at this entry later, or even help you laugh a little bit or something. Then again, maybe this won't be much of a blog entry at all. Let's see what happens.

I am actually proud of myself...which is funny to say such a thing for me. That is kind of a hard statement for me to express about myself. Because looking into my past decisions--regrets--mistakes...I often don't feel so proud of myself. See, I am the toughest critic on myself. I have always been really hard on myself with not being good enough in many of my endeavors. Once I have hindsight on things, that is when I start with the "I wish I would have," statements in my head. Being human though I think we all approach these types of assessments through our lives continually. My problem though is I tend to get caught up in those wishful thinking type of thoughts. And once I get there in that train of thought it is never productive for me, instead it is what my husband would call "downward spiral." One negative thought tends to lead to another.

Side note- I'm not sure why people would like to continually take pain pills as an addiction because they make me feel pretty weird. I guess for others it is a way to numb their pain and not deal with life. I don't like feeling disconnected from my body like this. Yet, I am a person that likes to have more control. However, the only thing that is interesting is it makes me feel like I might be able to run and jump into the air and fly, ha ha. Yeh, this stuff is way to strong for me. Anyways I am on this pain pill because I just had dental surgery. Specifically I had a dental implant done. This has been a huge struggle for me to actually face my fears and accomplish this goal. I have really bad dental anxiety. I have had a lot of work done through the years, and I am not just talking about little dental fillings (which I also still get bad anxiety over) So doing this was no easy task for me at all. And here I am now several hours after the procedure is done and I am thinking "wow, I am really proud of myself." I finally did it. It has been something that has been bothering me for so many years. And I always would make up excuses on why I shouldn't do it. But ultimately I really never crossed this bridge because I was scared.

Now I can honestly say I have faced 2 huge fears of mine so far this year. These fears were roadblocks to moving on and accomplishing other goals. In the beginning of this year I told myself, "this year I'm going to be different." For me, facing my fears is definitely a huge difference in the patterns of how I live my life. I've also just begun to realize the importance of putting God first in my heart and mind. I have no doubt that it was through His strength that I was able to face these fears and accomplish things I normally would not have done (I am so thankful for all the prayers from family and friends too). Because if I relied on myself, I would have given up on facing both of these fears. I know though I am continually a work in progress and I will continue to make mistakes and continue to reassess my life. I am still working on hearing God's voice through all the chaos of this life. I'm still learning how to hear Him through these trials I face. I have to continue to ask myself "what is God trying to show me" through these trials and life experiences.

I read a devotion today titled "The school of Pain." I like that title, there is a lot of truth to it. I will leave you with the following to think about. It is something that really resonated with me as I go through things this year in my life. The devotion said:

In his book, The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis observes that "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." Suffering often helps us to redirect our focus. It shifts our thinking from immediate circumstances so we can listen to God concerning His work in our lives.