Why God? Why?
I am going through a really hard time lately. I recently faced a medical emergency, in which I felt hopeless, helpless, and scared. And lying there on the ground I thought to myself, "what if I die, I don't want to die, please God let me stay here with my babies." I have been in scary situations before, but never did I actually really believe I could die like I felt in those moments lying on my bathroom floor. I don't know why God is allowing me to face such fears, challenges, and current struggles with my health. But I am here in the middle of a struggle which I don't understand.
I heard a sermon a couple weeks ago where the pastor talked about what takes place during the birth of a giraffe. This part of the sermon was so intriguing to me it has been on my mind a lot. When a mama giraffe gives birth she does so standing up. So the baby giraffe comes into the world falling pretty hard onto the ground. Then the mama giraffe welcomes her baby giraffe into the world by giving him a good kick. The baby giraffe is surprised by this of course. But the mama giraffe continues to kick her baby over and over. Finally the baby giraffe will try to stand up and stumbling he does get to his feet with his wobbly legs. Once he is standing, the mama giraffe winds up and kicks her baby off of his feet and he stumbles to the ground. Where once again he tries to stand up quickly. The mama giraffe does this to teach her baby to stand up. In the wild for survival a baby giraffe needs to know how to quickly get to his feet. So even though it seems cruel, the mama giraffe is doing this to her baby because she loves her baby and wants him to survive. The pastor went on to explain how God is like that mama giraffe and we are the baby giraffe. Like the baby giraffe, we don't know why we are enduring this pain. But there is a bigger picture.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Psalm 13 New International Version (NIV)
Psalm 13[a]
For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
gone
did you even have a chance
you were a glimpse of hope
i believed you would stay
my heart overflowed with joy
thinking of holding you in my arms
red, the constant reminder
you are gone
gone
did my ambitions cause too
much stress
my heart breaks
is my body broken too
will you be in Heaven with
baby three
were you ever really there
tests confirm your beginning
you didn't stay
my body couldn't hold you
was it stress from that argument
why God did you take this one too
goodbye my sweet pea
i will always love you
did you even have a chance
you were a glimpse of hope
i believed you would stay
my heart overflowed with joy
thinking of holding you in my arms
red, the constant reminder
you are gone
gone
did my ambitions cause too
much stress
my heart breaks
is my body broken too
will you be in Heaven with
baby three
were you ever really there
tests confirm your beginning
you didn't stay
my body couldn't hold you
was it stress from that argument
why God did you take this one too
goodbye my sweet pea
i will always love you
Sunday, September 21, 2014
For Maggie
You were the spark in the dark
You brought so much joy into my life
Always near by, always close
by my side
If I could go back
I would take you on more walks
through the trees at the creek
breathe in the fresh air with you
side by side
My sweet puppy
thank you for being my best friend
greeting me at the door
always wagging your tail
so full of love
I miss your soft floppy ears
tapping of your nails on the floor
opening the door to let you in
your hugs, your presence
I miss you my friend
In loving Memory of my girl Maggie.
January 25, 2005 - September 20, 2014
You were the spark in the dark
You brought so much joy into my life
Always near by, always close
by my side
If I could go back
I would take you on more walks
through the trees at the creek
breathe in the fresh air with you
side by side
My sweet puppy
thank you for being my best friend
greeting me at the door
always wagging your tail
so full of love
I miss your soft floppy ears
tapping of your nails on the floor
opening the door to let you in
your hugs, your presence
I miss you my friend
In loving Memory of my girl Maggie.
January 25, 2005 - September 20, 2014
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Imperfect
my nail polish is chipping
toothpaste tube isn't rolled
fingerprint marks are all over the
sliding door
and I can't seem to keep the car
windows clean either
Uh, don't look in that drawer...or
closet either
the kids are in need of new pants
that fit for the fall
going on three years of working
on my first scrapbook for
my daughter
I don't smile a lot
sometimes I avoid interacting
with others
And coffee- I like it way too much
did I mention I need to vacuum
my nail polish is chipping
toothpaste tube isn't rolled
fingerprint marks are all over the
sliding door
and I can't seem to keep the car
windows clean either
Uh, don't look in that drawer...or
closet either
the kids are in need of new pants
that fit for the fall
going on three years of working
on my first scrapbook for
my daughter
I don't smile a lot
sometimes I avoid interacting
with others
And coffee- I like it way too much
did I mention I need to vacuum
Monday, September 15, 2014
My 2 cents for what it's worth
I probably shouldn't be writing right now because I have a lot of studying to be done! Oh well, it feels nice to take a break and write my thoughts. I have been having a battle with forgiveness lately. Basically, I'm holding grudges, bitterness, and anger towards people in my past. And as I sit here thinking about that, I know that my feelings have absolutely no impact on these people whatsoever. However, holding onto all this unforgiveness only hurts me.
The people of my past aren't affected by my present feelings and emotions of what they did to me. They likely don't even bat an eye at the thought of me or even think of me at all. And yet, these memories cause me to at times get swept up in disappointment, hurt, sadness, etc. So I sit and wonder, how do we truly forgive? How does the parent who lost her child to a drunk driver crash forgive? I see people who have been through awful tragedies like that and it truly amazes me the heart they have to be able to forgive.
I yearn to forgive and fully move on. However, even if I do finally fully forgive, I know these memories are still apart of me. And the memories will still cause the hard feelings that I have to deal with. Which ultimately leads me to knowing I need God. I can't do it on my own, but God can. I have to give it to God, He knows what happened in my past, He knows who hurt me, He knows. Ultimately God takes care of everything. Do I know why God allowed these things in my past to occur? No, I have no idea at all. But, I do believe He is a Just God. And I do believe He is at work in my life. So I walk my faith walk, saying "God, help me to forgive because I struggle with doing it on my own. I trust you God."
Luke 23:32-34
32 Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. 33 When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. 34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”[b] And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.
I probably shouldn't be writing right now because I have a lot of studying to be done! Oh well, it feels nice to take a break and write my thoughts. I have been having a battle with forgiveness lately. Basically, I'm holding grudges, bitterness, and anger towards people in my past. And as I sit here thinking about that, I know that my feelings have absolutely no impact on these people whatsoever. However, holding onto all this unforgiveness only hurts me.
The people of my past aren't affected by my present feelings and emotions of what they did to me. They likely don't even bat an eye at the thought of me or even think of me at all. And yet, these memories cause me to at times get swept up in disappointment, hurt, sadness, etc. So I sit and wonder, how do we truly forgive? How does the parent who lost her child to a drunk driver crash forgive? I see people who have been through awful tragedies like that and it truly amazes me the heart they have to be able to forgive.
I yearn to forgive and fully move on. However, even if I do finally fully forgive, I know these memories are still apart of me. And the memories will still cause the hard feelings that I have to deal with. Which ultimately leads me to knowing I need God. I can't do it on my own, but God can. I have to give it to God, He knows what happened in my past, He knows who hurt me, He knows. Ultimately God takes care of everything. Do I know why God allowed these things in my past to occur? No, I have no idea at all. But, I do believe He is a Just God. And I do believe He is at work in my life. So I walk my faith walk, saying "God, help me to forgive because I struggle with doing it on my own. I trust you God."
Luke 23:32-34
32 Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. 33 When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. 34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”[b] And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Stuck in the Past
I was watching a show a couple days ago that really reminded me of my past career. Usually t.v. shows don't portray the work I was in very accurately, so I don't like to watch them. However, this show did such a good job that it brought me right back to where I used to work and brought back a lot of memories. And I began revisiting pains of the past; some regrets, a little anger, disappointments, and just old wounds. I watched probably about three episodes over a couple days, before I realized this show was putting me in a bad mood. So I started thinking about why I was feeling this way and I realized it probably isn't a good idea for me to watch this show anymore.
Now the show itself isn't much of a positive show anyways and I wouldn't recommend anyone watch it for "good" recreational television. But, the show itself isn't exactly the culprit. Watching it, made me realize I tend to get stuck in the past. The last couple days I have felt like I am dragging negativity with me because the show rekindled some negative memories for me. Years ago I struggled with my past. I couldn't move on with my life because I truly was stuck in the past. I thought I moved on from that problem, but I clearly still struggle with it. I am thankful I am not where I used to be, I used to not even live in my present. I missed out on many years of enjoying my children when they were babies/toddlers because of that very issue.
I heard a song this morning while dropping the kids off at school. The lyrics say, "You make me new." The lyrics talk about being a new creation in Jesus Christ. In essence, God is making us new. In that moment listening to the song, I thought to myself: "God isn't making me new. Because look how I get stuck in my past. I am bitter and I haven't forgiven those people." Which brings me to where I am at right now. I am simply a work in progress. I want to say I am new, but I am not new yet. And I likely won't be new until I am in heaven "fully new" and fully in God's presence. The show brought me to memories where I have been hurt, and ultimately I haven't forgiven many of those people who have hurt me. As a Christian, we are called to forgive. I wish I could say I am quick to forgive, but I am not. I guess it is a hindrance in my faith walk.
Well, time to get back on track and focus on my new goals. Leaving my past in the past, helps me move forward. I am moving forward because I learned from my past, I am thankful for that.
I was watching a show a couple days ago that really reminded me of my past career. Usually t.v. shows don't portray the work I was in very accurately, so I don't like to watch them. However, this show did such a good job that it brought me right back to where I used to work and brought back a lot of memories. And I began revisiting pains of the past; some regrets, a little anger, disappointments, and just old wounds. I watched probably about three episodes over a couple days, before I realized this show was putting me in a bad mood. So I started thinking about why I was feeling this way and I realized it probably isn't a good idea for me to watch this show anymore.
Now the show itself isn't much of a positive show anyways and I wouldn't recommend anyone watch it for "good" recreational television. But, the show itself isn't exactly the culprit. Watching it, made me realize I tend to get stuck in the past. The last couple days I have felt like I am dragging negativity with me because the show rekindled some negative memories for me. Years ago I struggled with my past. I couldn't move on with my life because I truly was stuck in the past. I thought I moved on from that problem, but I clearly still struggle with it. I am thankful I am not where I used to be, I used to not even live in my present. I missed out on many years of enjoying my children when they were babies/toddlers because of that very issue.
I heard a song this morning while dropping the kids off at school. The lyrics say, "You make me new." The lyrics talk about being a new creation in Jesus Christ. In essence, God is making us new. In that moment listening to the song, I thought to myself: "God isn't making me new. Because look how I get stuck in my past. I am bitter and I haven't forgiven those people." Which brings me to where I am at right now. I am simply a work in progress. I want to say I am new, but I am not new yet. And I likely won't be new until I am in heaven "fully new" and fully in God's presence. The show brought me to memories where I have been hurt, and ultimately I haven't forgiven many of those people who have hurt me. As a Christian, we are called to forgive. I wish I could say I am quick to forgive, but I am not. I guess it is a hindrance in my faith walk.
Well, time to get back on track and focus on my new goals. Leaving my past in the past, helps me move forward. I am moving forward because I learned from my past, I am thankful for that.
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