For Maggie
You were the spark in the dark
You brought so much joy into my life
Always near by, always close
by my side
If I could go back
I would take you on more walks
through the trees at the creek
breathe in the fresh air with you
side by side
My sweet puppy
thank you for being my best friend
greeting me at the door
always wagging your tail
so full of love
I miss your soft floppy ears
tapping of your nails on the floor
opening the door to let you in
your hugs, your presence
I miss you my friend
In loving Memory of my girl Maggie.
January 25, 2005 - September 20, 2014
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Imperfect
my nail polish is chipping
toothpaste tube isn't rolled
fingerprint marks are all over the
sliding door
and I can't seem to keep the car
windows clean either
Uh, don't look in that drawer...or
closet either
the kids are in need of new pants
that fit for the fall
going on three years of working
on my first scrapbook for
my daughter
I don't smile a lot
sometimes I avoid interacting
with others
And coffee- I like it way too much
did I mention I need to vacuum
my nail polish is chipping
toothpaste tube isn't rolled
fingerprint marks are all over the
sliding door
and I can't seem to keep the car
windows clean either
Uh, don't look in that drawer...or
closet either
the kids are in need of new pants
that fit for the fall
going on three years of working
on my first scrapbook for
my daughter
I don't smile a lot
sometimes I avoid interacting
with others
And coffee- I like it way too much
did I mention I need to vacuum
Monday, September 15, 2014
My 2 cents for what it's worth
I probably shouldn't be writing right now because I have a lot of studying to be done! Oh well, it feels nice to take a break and write my thoughts. I have been having a battle with forgiveness lately. Basically, I'm holding grudges, bitterness, and anger towards people in my past. And as I sit here thinking about that, I know that my feelings have absolutely no impact on these people whatsoever. However, holding onto all this unforgiveness only hurts me.
The people of my past aren't affected by my present feelings and emotions of what they did to me. They likely don't even bat an eye at the thought of me or even think of me at all. And yet, these memories cause me to at times get swept up in disappointment, hurt, sadness, etc. So I sit and wonder, how do we truly forgive? How does the parent who lost her child to a drunk driver crash forgive? I see people who have been through awful tragedies like that and it truly amazes me the heart they have to be able to forgive.
I yearn to forgive and fully move on. However, even if I do finally fully forgive, I know these memories are still apart of me. And the memories will still cause the hard feelings that I have to deal with. Which ultimately leads me to knowing I need God. I can't do it on my own, but God can. I have to give it to God, He knows what happened in my past, He knows who hurt me, He knows. Ultimately God takes care of everything. Do I know why God allowed these things in my past to occur? No, I have no idea at all. But, I do believe He is a Just God. And I do believe He is at work in my life. So I walk my faith walk, saying "God, help me to forgive because I struggle with doing it on my own. I trust you God."
Luke 23:32-34
32 Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. 33 When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. 34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”[b] And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.
I probably shouldn't be writing right now because I have a lot of studying to be done! Oh well, it feels nice to take a break and write my thoughts. I have been having a battle with forgiveness lately. Basically, I'm holding grudges, bitterness, and anger towards people in my past. And as I sit here thinking about that, I know that my feelings have absolutely no impact on these people whatsoever. However, holding onto all this unforgiveness only hurts me.
The people of my past aren't affected by my present feelings and emotions of what they did to me. They likely don't even bat an eye at the thought of me or even think of me at all. And yet, these memories cause me to at times get swept up in disappointment, hurt, sadness, etc. So I sit and wonder, how do we truly forgive? How does the parent who lost her child to a drunk driver crash forgive? I see people who have been through awful tragedies like that and it truly amazes me the heart they have to be able to forgive.
I yearn to forgive and fully move on. However, even if I do finally fully forgive, I know these memories are still apart of me. And the memories will still cause the hard feelings that I have to deal with. Which ultimately leads me to knowing I need God. I can't do it on my own, but God can. I have to give it to God, He knows what happened in my past, He knows who hurt me, He knows. Ultimately God takes care of everything. Do I know why God allowed these things in my past to occur? No, I have no idea at all. But, I do believe He is a Just God. And I do believe He is at work in my life. So I walk my faith walk, saying "God, help me to forgive because I struggle with doing it on my own. I trust you God."
Luke 23:32-34
32 Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. 33 When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. 34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”[b] And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Stuck in the Past
I was watching a show a couple days ago that really reminded me of my past career. Usually t.v. shows don't portray the work I was in very accurately, so I don't like to watch them. However, this show did such a good job that it brought me right back to where I used to work and brought back a lot of memories. And I began revisiting pains of the past; some regrets, a little anger, disappointments, and just old wounds. I watched probably about three episodes over a couple days, before I realized this show was putting me in a bad mood. So I started thinking about why I was feeling this way and I realized it probably isn't a good idea for me to watch this show anymore.
Now the show itself isn't much of a positive show anyways and I wouldn't recommend anyone watch it for "good" recreational television. But, the show itself isn't exactly the culprit. Watching it, made me realize I tend to get stuck in the past. The last couple days I have felt like I am dragging negativity with me because the show rekindled some negative memories for me. Years ago I struggled with my past. I couldn't move on with my life because I truly was stuck in the past. I thought I moved on from that problem, but I clearly still struggle with it. I am thankful I am not where I used to be, I used to not even live in my present. I missed out on many years of enjoying my children when they were babies/toddlers because of that very issue.
I heard a song this morning while dropping the kids off at school. The lyrics say, "You make me new." The lyrics talk about being a new creation in Jesus Christ. In essence, God is making us new. In that moment listening to the song, I thought to myself: "God isn't making me new. Because look how I get stuck in my past. I am bitter and I haven't forgiven those people." Which brings me to where I am at right now. I am simply a work in progress. I want to say I am new, but I am not new yet. And I likely won't be new until I am in heaven "fully new" and fully in God's presence. The show brought me to memories where I have been hurt, and ultimately I haven't forgiven many of those people who have hurt me. As a Christian, we are called to forgive. I wish I could say I am quick to forgive, but I am not. I guess it is a hindrance in my faith walk.
Well, time to get back on track and focus on my new goals. Leaving my past in the past, helps me move forward. I am moving forward because I learned from my past, I am thankful for that.
I was watching a show a couple days ago that really reminded me of my past career. Usually t.v. shows don't portray the work I was in very accurately, so I don't like to watch them. However, this show did such a good job that it brought me right back to where I used to work and brought back a lot of memories. And I began revisiting pains of the past; some regrets, a little anger, disappointments, and just old wounds. I watched probably about three episodes over a couple days, before I realized this show was putting me in a bad mood. So I started thinking about why I was feeling this way and I realized it probably isn't a good idea for me to watch this show anymore.
Now the show itself isn't much of a positive show anyways and I wouldn't recommend anyone watch it for "good" recreational television. But, the show itself isn't exactly the culprit. Watching it, made me realize I tend to get stuck in the past. The last couple days I have felt like I am dragging negativity with me because the show rekindled some negative memories for me. Years ago I struggled with my past. I couldn't move on with my life because I truly was stuck in the past. I thought I moved on from that problem, but I clearly still struggle with it. I am thankful I am not where I used to be, I used to not even live in my present. I missed out on many years of enjoying my children when they were babies/toddlers because of that very issue.
I heard a song this morning while dropping the kids off at school. The lyrics say, "You make me new." The lyrics talk about being a new creation in Jesus Christ. In essence, God is making us new. In that moment listening to the song, I thought to myself: "God isn't making me new. Because look how I get stuck in my past. I am bitter and I haven't forgiven those people." Which brings me to where I am at right now. I am simply a work in progress. I want to say I am new, but I am not new yet. And I likely won't be new until I am in heaven "fully new" and fully in God's presence. The show brought me to memories where I have been hurt, and ultimately I haven't forgiven many of those people who have hurt me. As a Christian, we are called to forgive. I wish I could say I am quick to forgive, but I am not. I guess it is a hindrance in my faith walk.
Well, time to get back on track and focus on my new goals. Leaving my past in the past, helps me move forward. I am moving forward because I learned from my past, I am thankful for that.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Thoughts, thoughts...at times, my worst enemy
I'm embarking on a new journey; a new direction for my life. As I face these new challenges with hours upon hours of studying, I find myself wavering....and thinking "is this the right path for me?" Of course I want my choices to be in line with God's Will for my life, I always have. And though, I have been the type of person that always seeks His Will for me, I honestly don't really know if I have ever been on the path He truly wants me to be on. Well, then come the thoughts, and those really make things a bit more frustrating. I started this new journey with joy, because I truly want to teach. I actually really love doing it, and now as I endure the struggle of studying, thoughts creep in such as, "maybe you are making the wrong choice," and "how are you going to pass this," or "what if you can't pass this." And even more discouraging are when the regrets start with thoughts such as, "you shouldn't have left your career." Little after little, those are the thoughts that can trip you up and keep you from moving forward. I have discovered, that those thoughts can really be my worst enemy.
When I reflect on the past me, and the person I used to be with past decisions I made, I see those enemy thoughts were right there too. Unfortunately I have always been a person that tends to lean towards anxiety and worry when facing hardships/decisions/stressful events. I see now that some of that is biological and some of it is unhealthy patterns. Oh and of course not to forget, I'm sure the devil enjoys seeing us fall and make bad decisions that hinder us from being the people God wants us to be.
So I have come to understand that those thoughts don't define me. They are only thoughts. But when I allow them to keep filling my mind and tell myself they are true then they do start defining me. Because then I simply make choices that will either be positive or negative. It is so easy to get off course. I have done it so many times in my past. I realize my thoughts aren't always pleasing and good for me. For me, the only times I truly have peace with the world is when I focus on God and His Word. There are so many unknowns in life that Trusting God has been where I find Peace. I don't say that lightly believe me, I have friend's that would tell you-Trusting God- has been a huge struggle of mine in my faith walk. I am not all the way there yet, but I have grown so much in the past year.
At the end of the day what does worry or regrets really do for you? I can tell you for me, all it ever does is hold me back from moving forward. And usually if I listen to those enemy thoughts, one or two or a combo of the following occur: stress, discouragement, negativity, anxiety, and depression. Thinking about what you are thinking about is important. Some good scripture to ponder on:
Philipians 4:8 Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.
I'm embarking on a new journey; a new direction for my life. As I face these new challenges with hours upon hours of studying, I find myself wavering....and thinking "is this the right path for me?" Of course I want my choices to be in line with God's Will for my life, I always have. And though, I have been the type of person that always seeks His Will for me, I honestly don't really know if I have ever been on the path He truly wants me to be on. Well, then come the thoughts, and those really make things a bit more frustrating. I started this new journey with joy, because I truly want to teach. I actually really love doing it, and now as I endure the struggle of studying, thoughts creep in such as, "maybe you are making the wrong choice," and "how are you going to pass this," or "what if you can't pass this." And even more discouraging are when the regrets start with thoughts such as, "you shouldn't have left your career." Little after little, those are the thoughts that can trip you up and keep you from moving forward. I have discovered, that those thoughts can really be my worst enemy.
When I reflect on the past me, and the person I used to be with past decisions I made, I see those enemy thoughts were right there too. Unfortunately I have always been a person that tends to lean towards anxiety and worry when facing hardships/decisions/stressful events. I see now that some of that is biological and some of it is unhealthy patterns. Oh and of course not to forget, I'm sure the devil enjoys seeing us fall and make bad decisions that hinder us from being the people God wants us to be.
So I have come to understand that those thoughts don't define me. They are only thoughts. But when I allow them to keep filling my mind and tell myself they are true then they do start defining me. Because then I simply make choices that will either be positive or negative. It is so easy to get off course. I have done it so many times in my past. I realize my thoughts aren't always pleasing and good for me. For me, the only times I truly have peace with the world is when I focus on God and His Word. There are so many unknowns in life that Trusting God has been where I find Peace. I don't say that lightly believe me, I have friend's that would tell you-Trusting God- has been a huge struggle of mine in my faith walk. I am not all the way there yet, but I have grown so much in the past year.
At the end of the day what does worry or regrets really do for you? I can tell you for me, all it ever does is hold me back from moving forward. And usually if I listen to those enemy thoughts, one or two or a combo of the following occur: stress, discouragement, negativity, anxiety, and depression. Thinking about what you are thinking about is important. Some good scripture to ponder on:
Philipians 4:8 Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
You Speak
I see my reflection and it is double;
You standing with me
You Speak
I study the word revise and
think of how you are fine tuning me
You Speak
My boy makes a silly face
and in his laughter I get lost
in my love for him
You Speak
Auntie sends me a devotion just in
the right moment
You Speak
Listening to Mozart
I feel your peace
You speak
My husband says,
Don't give up
You Speak
In prayer for my friend
I feel your presence
You Speak
My girl sings with all
her heart
You Speak
The wind brushing against trees,
making the leaves dance
You Speak
A butterfly flutters so briefly across
my path
You Speak
The joy I feel when I teach
You Speak
In his love
You Speak
I let go of bitterness, I forgive
You Speak
God has been showing up for me in such special ways this week. I felt inspired to write a poem about how He Speaks to me. The challenge for me of course, is when I'm not feeling His presence. There are those times that I clearly feel like He isn't there and doesn't care about what happens in my life. But those are just my feelings of despair. God is always with us. And I learned so much this past year about His presence and truly Trusting His ways. As I spend more time centering my heart on God, I see Him speaking to me in the smallest ways. And in these small ways there is a joy that is difficult to explain. All I can think is that I am experiencing a very little piece of His Awesome presence. Which makes me wonder how much more awesome it will be when we are fully with God in Heaven. And as I live out my life day to day: I want to be clothed in His radiant presence, listening to Him, seeking Him, and fully living for Him.
I see my reflection and it is double;
You standing with me
You Speak
I study the word revise and
think of how you are fine tuning me
You Speak
My boy makes a silly face
and in his laughter I get lost
in my love for him
You Speak
Auntie sends me a devotion just in
the right moment
You Speak
Listening to Mozart
I feel your peace
You speak
My husband says,
Don't give up
You Speak
In prayer for my friend
I feel your presence
You Speak
My girl sings with all
her heart
You Speak
The wind brushing against trees,
making the leaves dance
You Speak
A butterfly flutters so briefly across
my path
You Speak
The joy I feel when I teach
You Speak
In his love
You Speak
I let go of bitterness, I forgive
You Speak
God has been showing up for me in such special ways this week. I felt inspired to write a poem about how He Speaks to me. The challenge for me of course, is when I'm not feeling His presence. There are those times that I clearly feel like He isn't there and doesn't care about what happens in my life. But those are just my feelings of despair. God is always with us. And I learned so much this past year about His presence and truly Trusting His ways. As I spend more time centering my heart on God, I see Him speaking to me in the smallest ways. And in these small ways there is a joy that is difficult to explain. All I can think is that I am experiencing a very little piece of His Awesome presence. Which makes me wonder how much more awesome it will be when we are fully with God in Heaven. And as I live out my life day to day: I want to be clothed in His radiant presence, listening to Him, seeking Him, and fully living for Him.
Friday, March 28, 2014
her steps
she is beautiful, her smile
the way she moves
like she is making music with her arms
joy is in her steps
I used to be her
not bitter
not jaded
living moment by moment
carefree
I wish I could protect her
If I could take her future pain I would
If I could keep her from falling I would
my little girl, so full of love
Life surrounds her
time moves, she moves
I have no say
no control
heart ache awaits
the beginning of a lifetime of choices
only God knows her path
my prayer is for her to always walk
with God
to dream her dreams
follow her heart
she is beautiful, her smile
the way she moves
like she is making music with her arms
joy is in her steps
I used to be her
not bitter
not jaded
living moment by moment
carefree
I wish I could protect her
If I could take her future pain I would
If I could keep her from falling I would
my little girl, so full of love
Life surrounds her
time moves, she moves
I have no say
no control
heart ache awaits
the beginning of a lifetime of choices
only God knows her path
my prayer is for her to always walk
with God
to dream her dreams
follow her heart
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