June

Two years ago my life changed in June
Pain entered my heart in ways I never imagined possible
It was the beginning of a heartache that would linger
a heartache that would take on a mind of it's own

June a month of so much joy and sorrow
June, would there ever be another tomorrow?
June the dreams you held and now still hold

June one month out of many
the hope of new beginnings
prayer for healing to empty endings

Purpose in our trials

Well, I probably shouldn't be writing right now because I'm a little bit loopy from a pain pill I just took. But, I felt inspired to talk to my internet world. Maybe I will giggle at this entry later, or even help you laugh a little bit or something. Then again, maybe this won't be much of a blog entry at all. Let's see what happens.

I am actually proud of myself...which is funny to say such a thing for me. That is kind of a hard statement for me to express about myself. Because looking into my past decisions--regrets--mistakes...I often don't feel so proud of myself. See, I am the toughest critic on myself. I have always been really hard on myself with not being good enough in many of my endeavors. Once I have hindsight on things, that is when I start with the "I wish I would have," statements in my head. Being human though I think we all approach these types of assessments through our lives continually. My problem though is I tend to get caught up in those wishful thinking type of thoughts. And once I get there in that train of thought it is never productive for me, instead it is what my husband would call "downward spiral." One negative thought tends to lead to another.

Side note- I'm not sure why people would like to continually take pain pills as an addiction because they make me feel pretty weird. I guess for others it is a way to numb their pain and not deal with life. I don't like feeling disconnected from my body like this. Yet, I am a person that likes to have more control. However, the only thing that is interesting is it makes me feel like I might be able to run and jump into the air and fly, ha ha. Yeh, this stuff is way to strong for me. Anyways I am on this pain pill because I just had dental surgery. Specifically I had a dental implant done. This has been a huge struggle for me to actually face my fears and accomplish this goal. I have really bad dental anxiety. I have had a lot of work done through the years, and I am not just talking about little dental fillings (which I also still get bad anxiety over) So doing this was no easy task for me at all. And here I am now several hours after the procedure is done and I am thinking "wow, I am really proud of myself." I finally did it. It has been something that has been bothering me for so many years. And I always would make up excuses on why I shouldn't do it. But ultimately I really never crossed this bridge because I was scared.

Now I can honestly say I have faced 2 huge fears of mine so far this year. These fears were roadblocks to moving on and accomplishing other goals. In the beginning of this year I told myself, "this year I'm going to be different." For me, facing my fears is definitely a huge difference in the patterns of how I live my life. I've also just begun to realize the importance of putting God first in my heart and mind. I have no doubt that it was through His strength that I was able to face these fears and accomplish things I normally would not have done (I am so thankful for all the prayers from family and friends too). Because if I relied on myself, I would have given up on facing both of these fears. I know though I am continually a work in progress and I will continue to make mistakes and continue to reassess my life. I am still working on hearing God's voice through all the chaos of this life. I'm still learning how to hear Him through these trials I face. I have to continue to ask myself "what is God trying to show me" through these trials and life experiences.

I read a devotion today titled "The school of Pain." I like that title, there is a lot of truth to it. I will leave you with the following to think about. It is something that really resonated with me as I go through things this year in my life. The devotion said:

In his book, The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis observes that "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." Suffering often helps us to redirect our focus. It shifts our thinking from immediate circumstances so we can listen to God concerning His work in our lives.

silent pain

suddenly you take over me
i can't breathe
you wake me up
make me remember the pain

please go away
don't take my identity
you are not welcome to stay

my heart races
I can run faster
I can get away
I can move forward and leave
you behind

you sneak in-
in a memory
you found my heart
i lose focus
you will never leave
always a part of me
 

Deja vu

Last night was difficult. At about 1:30am (yes, I was up late), the date dawned on me. Today my baby three would be one years old if my body didn't miscarry him/her. Right when I realized the date, I also realized this same thing happened last year with baby three's due date sneeking up on me. And of course the post traumatic stress disorder hit me as I grieved once again the loss of my sweet baby that I loved and still love so much. And I hope with all my heart that I will one day get to meet baby three in Heaven. I can only imagine what that will be like to finally hold both baby three and baby four (baby four would be 16weeks into my pregnancy right now if I didn't lose him/her). I realize last night my grief for the loss of baby three is just as difficult still as my most recent loss with baby four. And I really don't know who my readers are (except for a couple friends of mine). but if you are reading this please don't take time for granted with your loved ones. I don't know if time feels like it is changing for me because I am getting older now. But for some reason it feels like the years are getting faster and faster. I guess the good thing about that is one day I will be in Heaven with all my family/friends and my sweet babies I never got to see on this side of Heaven. I'm hopeful for that. I've been focusing on the following scripture lately:

Proverbs 3:5-7New English Translation (NET Bible)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not rely on your own understanding.
⁶ Acknowledge him in all your ways,
and he will make your paths straight.

 

The new year is amongst us. It is already February! It is seriously already going fast for me. I have many obstacles in front of me. It is scary, but I am looking forward to this year. I'm hopeful for a better year. I know my heart has been worked on a lot lately, and one thing that definitely has changed is how much more I appreciate all the small blessings around me. During the past several months of hardship, I had a friend say to me, "God is trying to get your attention." And at first I thought well that is odd. But now I get it. I have changed a lot from my miscarriages in different ways. And in a sad, weird, joyful way- I am a better person now from the miscarriages. Of course I wish I could undue both miscarriages, I wish they never happened, I wish my babies were here with me today. But it happened and it changed who I am. And well, God definitely has my attention. Does He have yours?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Starting Over

2014 came and went so quickly, it was in a way disturbing to me.  And well, unfortunately things didn't go the way I had hoped or planned. My heart broke several times through difficult things I faced, including the loss of loved ones. I didn't live up to my healthy work out routine that I dedicated myself to in the beginning of 2014 either. As I reflect on the past year, there were good things too. In fact I did accomplish one goal which I worked really hard to achieve. Also my children had a successful year in school and we had many enjoyable memories as a family. Like I said though, I felt like this past Christmas came so fast it was astonishing to me. Seriously it felt like the year went by in a flash. How about you? Do you feel like last year went slow or extremely fast?

As 2015 begins, I am once again starting over. I am so grateful to begin a new year and glad 2014 is officially over. This year I have decided to do things a little differently with my goals. Basically I have decided to finally be "different." I don't mean be unique and stand out or anything silly like that. What I mean is I have decided to overcome my fears. Fears that hold me back from moving forward and going for the things I want for my life. I have also decided to not put so much pressure on myself with goals that I do hope to achieve this year. Instead I have decided to work on these things but do so humbly. Because I know that some of these things definitely may not come to pass. Ultimately my life, my choices are in God's hands. And I know that God can direct my path differently than what I imagined at any time.

I sit here thinking about the year to come and I wonder what is next? How fast will this year go? What challenges and heartache will I face? Will some of my dreams come true by next Christmas? These things used to give me much anxiety, because I would want things to be the way I wanted. I wanted to have control of circumstances. Last year definitely opened my eyes in a different way than before. I realize I can't have control and that is okay. 

Proverbs 16:9 New International Version (NIV)

⁹ In their hearts humans plan their course,
    but the Lord establishes their steps.
 

I have also decided this year I want to celebrate life more. One fun way I am going to do this is by having our family record special moments or accomplishments (or whatever gives us joy from the events of our day) on small note paper. We are placing these little notes in a jar and at Christmas time we are going to open the jar and read all of our notes as a family. I heard this idea on the radio and thought it was an awesome idea. So I am really excited that my kids have both already put some notes in the jar. I think it is just going to be awesome to reflect on all the blessings of our year. Hopefully this time when the year flies by, it won't be as disturbing to me.

Why God? Why?

I am going through a really hard time lately. I recently faced a medical emergency, in which I felt hopeless, helpless, and scared. And lying there on the ground I thought to myself, "what if I die, I don't want to die, please God let me stay here with my babies." I have been in scary situations before, but never did I actually really believe I could die like I felt in those moments lying on my bathroom floor. I don't know why God is allowing me to face such fears, challenges, and current struggles with my health. But I am here in the middle of a struggle which I don't understand.

I heard a sermon a couple weeks ago where the pastor talked about what takes place during the birth of a giraffe. This part of the sermon was so intriguing to me it has been on my mind a lot. When a mama giraffe gives birth she does so standing up. So the baby giraffe comes into the world falling pretty hard onto the ground. Then the mama giraffe welcomes her baby giraffe into the world by giving him a good kick. The baby giraffe is surprised by this of course. But the mama giraffe continues to kick her baby over and over. Finally the baby giraffe will try to stand up and stumbling he does get to his feet with his wobbly legs. Once he is standing, the mama giraffe winds up and kicks her baby off of his feet and he stumbles to the ground. Where once again he tries to stand up quickly. The mama giraffe does this to teach her baby to stand up. In the wild for survival a baby giraffe needs to know how to quickly get to his feet. So even though it seems cruel, the mama giraffe is doing this to her baby because she loves her baby and wants him to survive. The pastor went on to explain how God is like that mama giraffe and we are the baby giraffe. Like the baby giraffe, we don't know why we are enduring this pain. But there is a bigger picture.

Psalm 13 New International Version (NIV)

Psalm 13^[a]

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

¹ How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

³ Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me.